*The sad event concerning our dog described below has been hard, but I know that many people have experienced devastating tragedies with family members and loved ones over the past year so I want to make it clear to everyone that I do not equate our recent loss of Blue (pictured above left with the herd) to the loss of a loved one. Several of my friends have lost close family members due to COVID-19 and other reasons this year and, for that, I am truly sorry for your indescribable loss.
A couple of mornings ago, I was out walking and processing a sad, unexpected event that had occured the night before. While I was meandering through the ravine area of our farm, my 26-year-old son called to check on me because he knew I was struggling with the unexpected death of one of our sweet dogs that I spend a lot of time with each day. When I heard his concerned voice asking me how I was feeling that morning, I couldn’t help but cry. The emotions I had kept in check the night before, in my never-ending desire to “soldier on” through all things difficult, came tumbling out over the next ten minutes as I told him the turn of events that had occured the day before. I had dropped off our three-and-a-half-year-old dog, Blue, at the vet with his tail wagging and his head held high as he walked into the vet for what I thought was a health check up. I didn’t even formally tell him goodbye because I had planned to pick him up that evening. Instead, he lost consciousness when they placed him on the table to get an x-ray to see why he was acting less peppy than normal. It appears that he had an unknown serious heart or kidney condition that showed up on the x-rays and caused the doctor to quickly call me and tell me things weren’t looking good for Blue. He called me several times during the whole ordeal and asked for permission each time he began a procedure he knew was risky. While he was looking further into it, it became apparent that the issue was very serious and the x-rays confirmed it by showing a large amount of fluid pooled up in his chest cavity. At some point in the examination, Blue’s heart stopped and the doctor intubated him and tried to bring him back to life to no avail. I think the veterinarian was in as much shock as we were at this turn of events.
The reason I had taken him to the vet in the first place was because we had recently made the hard decision to have our 14-year-old yellow lab put down due to a huge benign tumor that was majorly interfering with her quality of life. Our younger dog, Blue, was really attached to our older dog, Lily, and went into a deep depression after Lily disappeared from the farm. He lost a lot of weight and hadn’t been himself at all since her death. So, when he died suddenly on Friday evening, I was actually grieving for two of our sweet dogs who walk around our farm with me every single day. Since moving to the farm over five years ago, I lead our dogs around a certain trail on our farm each night and we check on the pastures, plants, and animals as we walk. Unwittingly, I have become the pack leader for our dogs. Since I spend so much time with them, they look to me to know what to do and where to walk so it has been hard losing two of our four adult dogs in a little over a month. They each have their own distinct personalities and these two actually drove me crazy at times which, for some reason, etches them into your heart just a little more. (It’s the same with those difficult students, just so you know. You spend more mental energy and time on them and they seem to wiggle their way into your heart a little deeper for some reason.)
As I was standing in the ravine talking to my son, Brave Heart, he assured me that I could call him anytime I was struggling with things at the farm. I shared with him my hesitancy to do that because, as his mother, I have worked hard to shield both he and his sister, Miss Sunshine, from the pain I have waded through alongside them when they were children. When their dad first left our home and then later suffered through a long, unsuccessful battle with cancer, I stealthily shielded them from my own anguish during those years. I didn’t cry in front of them or let on that I was struggling, but my emotions and strength would collapse the moment they left my presence to stay with other friends and family members who were helping me out during those difficult years. Still, for some reason, it just seems unnatural for me to call them and actually share pain instead of shielding them from pain, but that is what Brave Heart was inviting me to do.
To be honest, it felt marvelous to know that he is ready to share the burdens of life with me. In my opinion, so is Miss Sunshine. So is my younger daughter, The Trooper. How do I know they are ready? Not surprisingly, they have all been great sources of comfort to me over this past year as I wade through the discomfort of fostering and learning to parent our foster daughter, the Special Surprise, in a whole new way…….at the age of fifty-five!! Not the normal age to be learning new techniques of parenting, to be sure!! I have been both surprised and grateful about the grace with which our adult children have stepped up and carried the burden of helping The Outdoorsman and I when we are struggling with trauma-based parenting. They have encouraged us, supported us, and helped us along the journey. What a blessing!
As our CPS caseworker boldly reminded me just last week, it isn’t just trauma-based parenting with our Special Surprise that is causing my emotional fatigue. She explained that our entire family has actually been in a state of trauma for almost two and a half years now due to a series of hard, emotionally-draining events that have occured in rapid succession to one another completely outside of our control. However, as a family, we have figured out how to get through these hard moments in life TOGETHER. We have pulled one another through each trauma as it occured even though each trauma was different, unfamiliar, and scary in various ways. That is what families do when they know they have to do it. The difference about trauma-based parenting with a foster child is that you don’t have that innate level of commitment going into the situation because you know there are options available. It causes you to question your commitment and possibly look for an escape route when things get really tough.
While she was talking, I was literally picturing myself standing near the front door of my new shop, The Rusty Coop, and eyeing the back door of the shop. Inching towards it almost imperceptibly as things get tougher and tougher with our Special Surprise. That bright white back door represented my escape route when the discomfort became too much for me to bear. I found myself constantly considering a way out from the emotional pain that is an inherent part of fostering a child who is a victim of trauma. What the caseworker asked next was hard to hear: Would I be looking for an escape route if this were my biological child? I knew the answer. No, I would not. I would be fighting with everything in me to stay near the front door of the shop and work things out. Even when things were hard. Even when I felt extremely uncomfortable. No options. Whatever it takes. W.I.T. (whatever it takes) is actually the family motto that The Outdoorsman and I have adopted concerning our family. For the past sixteen years, we have successfully blended a family that has some real hurts in our past. We have done whatever it takes to keep everyone happy and healthy: driving hundreds of thousands of miles (literally!) over the years to pick up The Trooper for the weekend; moving our college age kiddos (every single semester it seemed!) to a new dorm or apartment; helping them walk through some debilitating hardships over the past couple of years; helping them navigate the unexpected early death of a cousin who was a lifelong best friend; helping them deal with some serious mental health issues affecting themselves and some close family members; helping me deal with the sudden death of my sweet uncle who was a witty family favorite; helping them both adjust to their first “real” post graduate jobs; comforting my son during his devastating, unexpected divorce; and helping my daughter with the ups and downs of purchasing and owning her first home. In addition to these hardships, losses, and adjustments, our farm has experienced two years in a row of extreme drought that has taken a toll on our land and our animals. The land has been brown, dusty, and unattractive and, in addition to that, many of our beautiful farm animals have died due to various illnesses and other reasons. At times as I peered out across our land, it felt as if the death and drought on the farm was mirroring the heaviness in my heart. This has truly been a traumatic season of life for ALL of us. We have felt, at times, like the loss and heavy burdens were never going to lift and spring was never going to arrive.
Thank goodness, the past two months on Green Acres have felt like an unexpected breath of fresh air when we needed it the most. Fluffy white snow blanketing the sparse pastures and making them look clean and beautiful again. Ice and snow completely frosting over both ponds. Crystals of snow and ice sparkling in the sun in every direction. Melting snow dripping from rooflines and causing rivulets to meander their way into our ponds. Strong winds whipping the brown, fallen leaves and bare tree limbs in every direction. Green grass quickly pushing its way up through the newly watered pastures. Rain drenching our fields in beautifully delicate rain showers. Lush green pastures replacing the parched, barren fields. Healthy, new leaves sprouting out on every tree and bush on our land. Our small, white farmhouse standing bravely amidst the cold, rain, and wind. Brisk winds noisily knocking on our window panes every day over the past two months. Warm blankets draping over us as we conduct our lives within the walls of our cozy home. Our hearts embracing the overwhelming knowledge that God is making all things new again just as He promises.
Even better than the signs of nature coming back to life on the farm, I see signs of our family coming back to life again as well. Our adult children have fought hard to overcome sadness and difficulty in order to get back on track with the plans God has for their lives. They are all excelling at their chosen jobs and college lives and have seen, firsthand, the importance of a healthy and consistent connection with their family and close friends. We have had lots of unexpected meals, holidays, and celebrations together as a family even though we currently reside in three different cities. That hasn’t happened in recent years because our oldest two children were busily completing their undergraduate degrees at UT and Baylor while The Trooper was finishing up her years in high school. With the COVID-19 shutdown of all things normal, it allowed us to spend much needed time together as a nuclear family. It has enabled all of them to spend copious amounts of time getting to know and earning the trust of our Special Surprise. For that, I am forever grateful.
Seeing our children band together and help one another stay afloat and, eventually, soar during this difficult season of life has been a joy to The Outdoorsman and me. We couldn’t be happier with the way they have supported and encouraged one another through the difficulties of the past two years. It hasn’t been an easy road and there have been some tough conversations between all of us at times, but I feel confident that they have learned to lean on one another when things get tough. That is all a parent can hope for when raising children. Hope for a permanent, built-in best friend to walk alongside in the, ofttimes, precarious journey of life.
The one thing I wasn’t expecting to come out of all of this is that I can actually lean on them now, too. This is a breakthrough moment. My parenting of them is now coming full circle. They are all actually strong enough and wise enough and brave enough to help me when life become too tough or too much for me. What a wonderful paradigm shift to embrace. Through interactions with our children over the past year, I have been given extremely wise advice, steadfast counsel, and a willing, listening ear when needed. I am truly thankful for this blessing.
Things are hard at times, but God is good all the time. He is with us through the highs and lows of life. He is with us through it all. He hears our prayers. He knows your heart’s desire. He understands and hears your frustrations, too. Let Him walk alongside your family as you travel on this journey. It doesn’t mean the difficulties will end, by any means, but it means He will give you strength to bear the burdens of life. Sometimes the strength comes through His word and sometimes He sends other people your way to help carry your burden. For me, He has sent encouragement in the form of my children, my family, and my friends to bless me on the daily. For those amazing blessings, I am grateful. I am thankful for you as well, Dear Friend and Reader.
The Rusty Coop 